Father my Dear, Time to cut back on the Loco!

It wasn’t until the other night I realized, any real adult communication with my father is becoming a dam near impossible task to accomplish . Truth is, the sheer rage inducing frustration with my family situation has resulted in me finding any and everything I possibly  can to distract me or prevent me from interacting with my father, mother and sometimes sister. Dad has collecting crap and sorting as a copping mechanism for stress I have Zelda and random craft projects haha to each his own right? I’ve managed to ignore the reality of our situation for awhile but now our ability to retain a basic level of sanity for longer then an hour is drasticly been compromised ,I’ve decided to tune back into our dysfunctional life. Unfortunately, my father isn’t ready to join me (SHOCKER)The man has done gone lost his marbles completely (they’re probably under a pile of 10 year old recites or railroad DVDS)  The easiest way to describe the extent of my fathers lunacy is to simply write for you a little play I like to call

Don’t you grumble at me Lord of the Crap!
The play is a one act, reenactment of the conversation I had with my father the other night. Picture it…… My kitchen, father sitting at the computer, me making some nosh before bed………….I’m standing in front of the open fridge searching for my dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets ( biting their heads of makes me smile something fierce haha) while telling my father about the issues I was having with my cricut…the machine he bought me for x-mass……….he was obsessively scanning e-bay for crap to add to the collection and oh yeah, not listening one iota to anything I was saying………………….

Me- “hey dad where’s my dino nuggets?”

(no answer)

Me - “Yo pops McGee did someone eat my nugs?”

Dad - “Huh what…No they should be in there.”

(5 mins later I locate them on the bottom shelf, hiding thanks to being wedge atop 4 other items. To extract them from their chilled home required lifting the entire shelf above them off it’s brackets with one hand while quickly grabbing the package with the other. I then had to replace the shelf and then get off the floor. Father didn’t turn around once. I stand up grab my nuggets of yum and toss them on the counter. Next stop freezer. Mama needs her some sides for the dino treats.)

Me- “don’t worry dad, I found them. Sorry if the shelf falls though. Haha”

Dad- “uhhah”

( I roll my eyes then continue my quest for nourishment. The freezer is jammed packed with every frozen veggi, rice dish, tv dinner, and  ice cream you can imagine which is usually what I do, just imagine, because getting any of these items out would cause a frozen food avalanche I’m not willing  to jigsaw puzzle back into place.  Yes I play jenga when getting nummies from the fridge and freezer. What? You thought hoarding was just crap around the house? Ha HA! No my friend, It’s  EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...... moving on……….. Of course the item I select, due to it’s convenient  location directly in front, seemed like an easy enough grab but alas it somehow  caused an epic shift amongst the other items surrounding it.   The door now won’t close.)

Me- “aww man what the fudge von fripple frap is this shit about?”

( I’m now forced to figure out a solution to a problem that shouldn’t be an issue, yet again. My only thought now is “I just wanted some foodL” My mind is mush by this point after having worked all day and  paper crafted all night.(yes I’m a pathetic geek I know) The only action I can think of  is keep squishing the door closed, hoping it eventually latches shut.  Halfheartedly I begin to implement this plan of attack. Haha ingenious I thought but, my father did not agree. Instantly, his spidey senses flared up causing him to turn around and asses my predicament. I’m convinced that Dad is so in tuned with his stuff that the crap sends out a distress call only he can hear whenever it feels disturbed or threatened. Mr. fixit stirred from his chair and deemed the matter worthy of his attention….what a pal…I walk away from the freezer allowing Pops ample enough room to rectify the situation)

Me- “ I thought we had rice in there?”

Dad- “grumble huff”
(I hear the sound of 4 frozen dinners cascading to the floor)
“ oh come on”

Me- “ I just grabbed one thing, sorry”

Dad-  “ yeah, yeah” 

( He was giving me tude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He boobie traps the dam freezer and when it goes off, boom! He blames me for not getting the one item out properly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been down this road before though so I was ready with my defense, quicker then a humming bird, in the spring, looking for a flower……. What kind of metaphor is that? Of man I’m losing it, my B ya‘ll my B.. )

Me- ( in a calm somewhat sarcastic voice I reply) “ Whoa there cranky pants, I wasn’t the one who put them in there like that, tiger ol pal.”

Dad- yup yup I know Krissy I know it was me blah blah blah”

(He actually said the blah blah blah part, out loud, all snotty like and pissy face like! What?????…….I laughed and continued on with my meal preparation while he finished re-trapping the frozen wasteland)

Me- “Don’t get all crabass with me because I’m telling you the truth. hahaha It’s not that big of deal anyways”

Dad-  “Whatever you say yup yup uhhah”

(You know when I child throws a hissy fit and puts his hands over his ears and yells “ I not listening I not listening!”, well this is my fathers version. It usually consists of one syllable words repeated over and over again until I or anyone  else who decides to point out an example of his disorder, shuts up. I start laughing even harder and a bit louder too boot.)

Me- “ Dad it’s cool man, chillaxe, I’m not here to judge your frozen food stacking skills. It’s your house old dude. Put the snap peas where ever you’d like haha”

Dad- “Thanks smartass grumble grumble…”

(He returns to his chair and internet world of “what the fuck do I need more junk for!” eBay thus resuming his perfected ignoring  of my existence.)

Me-  “ Well father I was given this gift by you and mom so frankly, getting mad at me is really getting mad at yourself for making me and is that a nice thing to think about your sweet adorable daughter who loves you so much?” ( The genes I inherited also gave me some pretty long eyelashes that always make my pain in the ass, little girl comments of “Don‘t mess with me daddy dearest” complete teehee)

Dad- (Under his breath and barely audible he decided to grumble to himself, I can only make out a few words) “ mumble……daughter……..me………..whatever……..grumble”

( I dropped the subject after that and ventured on to some healthy conversation.)

Me- “Did you give Kath money?”

Dad- “yeah”

Me- “She flipped when she saw the skull thing I made with the cricut.”

Dad- (in dazed state of crap euphoria he has now reverted to what I like to call the bobble head position. This is where he nods, ever so slightly yes and mumbles words of agreement to whatever you say to him…….) “yup sure did”

(This continues until my dino nuggets are done heating in the microwave. I finish my random questioning session with a real test for his attention.)

Me- “ yum I heart these little buggers. Which reminds me I think it’s about time I get knocked up and start a family. I’m going to cruise the bars this weekend. Fingers crossed prince good for sperm could be out there just waiting.”

Dad- “ uhhuh, yeah that’s……. (pause)……..(a brief moment of confusion is seen but then gone as fast as it came)  yeah those chicken nuggets are good.”

(Curtain falls, THE END)

Hahahahahhahahahah ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how I love my Father but the man is testing my ever loving patience. If anyone’s got an idea on how to break through is OCD bubble that doesn’t involve physical violence or a megaphone please feel free to share.